Did you take a test to become a parent?

Thoughts have been swirling around in my head for days, and they started swirling because I was with my son and family that I love over Thanksgiving.  The family I would not have if my husband had not been adopted by his parents, went to college, met and married me, and had our family.  Wow - lots of words for a quick point.  But it really set me thinking about the whole idea of being a parent.  I have seen a very different view of  parenting and children than a lot of people, because I have been in the trenches and seen what hideous things parents do to their children.  Some children survive and go on to have a full life.  Some never make it emotionally.  Some children grow up to continue that cycle of abuse to yet another generation.  Should they have not been born?  Wouldn't it have been better to have those children were given up for adoption?  Would they have been better off in a foster home?  Don't know that I have a real answer for those questions. 

My most favorite comic strip episode is of Hagar the Horrible and his wife standing by a stream.  They are watching salmon jumping up the falls, falling again, and jumping again, just to reach the waters where they will lay eggs and have a family.  Hagar turns to his wife and remarks, "Sometimes, I think that humans should have to go through something like that before they can become a parent."  I may have misquoted because it has been awhile since I saw the comic strip.  But - wow, does he have a point!

People study for years and take lots of tests to become doctors, nurses, lawyers, teachers, medical professionals, and a zillion other professions.  Yet - the most important job in the world can be had by anyone without a single test, a single educational class or any training whatsoever.  Kind of blows your mind, eh?  And I must say without flinching that some people should NEVER, EVER become parents.  We used to joke when I was an Assistant Juvenile officer that we should have a sign on our office door that said, "dump your unwanted children here."  I guess we joked to cover the daily pain of seeing abused children and knowing we were doing the right thing taking them from their abusive parents.  We joked because weekly we had parents who called us to say they wanted to dump their teenagers with us because they couldn't take care of them or make them mind.  So very very sad but true.  Parents who should never have had children, who refused to let anyone else have their children even tho they did unspeakable things to their children.  To them, their children were a possession, like a car or a game or a house.  No one, NO ONE, was going to take their property away from them.  Parents who at the first sign of trouble from their teenager, wanted out of parenthood, and wanted to dump the responsibility on someone else.  Heartbreaking - and yes, I know teenagers can try the patience of the best of parents!  But most of us don't give up and want to dump them at the first sign of trouble!

It all brings me back to my first statement - because his biological mother gave him up for adoption, my husband had a good life with his parents.  He was an only child, adopted when his parents were almost 50.  They were pretty old fashioned, didn't do a lot of "kid" things with him, but you knew without a doubt that the sun rose and set on their boy.  My husband finally did meet his biological mother, sisters and brother, and later his biological dad.  I absolutely get chills thinking what his life would have been like if he had not been rescued and given a loving home by his parents.  He is the lucky one of that bunch!  His half sister who is 5 years older was given up for adoption the day after hubby was.  She was a lucky one too!

That being said, I go back to the parents who have children they do not want, but will not give up.  I have never understood, nor will I ever understand, how a parent can hurt their own children - physically or sexually.  You are given a gift - a precious life that is given into your care.  How can parents turn that gift into a life of pain and emotional battering?  Would that child have been better off not being born?  Parenting doesn't have to be a life of riches and trips and THINGS.  Parenting comes from giving of yourself to your children.  Do parents make mistakes?  Heck yes - all of us do.   We do the best we can do - drawing on what we believe about being parents, what we learned from our own parents or grandparents, what we learned by seeing other families interact together and going from there.  And good parents try to fix their mistakes.  And good parents learn from their own parents mistakes and vow to do things differently as they raise their children.  You change that pattern - if you were abused, you vow not to abuse your own children.  If you were yelled at a lot, you vowed to not yell at your children or yell way less.  If your parents belittled you, you vow to make your children feel they can accomplish anything in this world.   If you were not given any choice about religion, dress, activities etc., then you vow that you will give your children choices that are appropriate.  If nothing you did was ever good enough for your parents, then you change that and tell your children daily how wonderful they are and how proud of them you are.

I have to say in closing, that parenting doesn't necessarily have to be biological.  Our son has a close friend who he grew up with.  His friend still sends us mother's day and father's day cards, and signs it, your other son.  Our daughter had close friends too that became our adopted kids.  I became the "mom" of the wintergard girls, traveling with them, listening to their troubles, helping them with their hair, and screaming with joy from the stands when they performed - just as if each one of them was my own child. 

My students slip sometimes and call me mom - and at first, it embarrassed them.  But I tell them that I AM their mom - their school mom.  If they misbehave, they are going to get in trouble, just like they would at home.  If they do something that is great, I am going to rejoice and praise them for it, just like their mom would.  I worry about them like their mom does, and I want every one of them to be the best they can be - just like their mom does.  After I explain that, they understand why they slip and our class begins to bond as a family - just like theirs at home.

So to my children of my body, I hope your dad and I did a good enough job parenting you.  Both of you are now grown up with families of your own, and are doing a good job of parenting my grandchildren.   I hope that a tiny bit of what your dad and I taught you has stayed with you and will be passed on to your children.  I love both of you with all my heart.

Hating The Right Things

I'm back after a hiatus.  I've been in a really dark place for several weeks that just kept me from writing.  Thus the topic - hate. 

I am a pretty forgiving person on the whole.  If someone does something really bad against me or to me, I eventually forgive them.  I probably won't ever forget, but I do forgive.  But when you mess with someone I love - family or friends - I don't forgive.  No matter how I rationalize it, or give myself lectures - the hate doesn't go away.  Over and over I think - What if this hadn't happened?  What if things could go back to that time and go another path?  I replay the incident over and over in my mind, fueling my anger over and over.  I know it isn't good for my physical or mental health, so I keep struggling with it daily, trying to overcome that hate and let go of it. 

This got me to thinking - is hate ever right?  Is hating someone, or something ever correct in any way?  I do know that hate and dwelling on it can physically harm a person's body.  It can make them sick, give them ulcers and affect the way they look at that person/incident for the rest of their life.  BUT, are there times when hate is not only OK, it is a good thing?

So I'm listing the things I hate that seem to be within the realm of being OK to hate.

1.  I hate the disease that is slowing robbing my granddaughter of her 16 year old life.  I see her going down every day, a little, in different ways.  I see the clouding of her brilliant mind at time where she cannot concentrate or her sentences are confused.  I see her body blowing up until parts look like they could burst from all the medicine she is taking so her liver will continue to function a little.  I hear her talk, heartbroken, about the kids who make fun of her, or shy away from her now because she "looks" different.  And yet, she forgives them, and continues to live her life to the fullest.  As the old saying goes, "Don't judge a person until you have walked a mile in his shoes." 

2.  I hate child molesters.  When I worked as an Assistant Juvenile Officer, part of what I did was prepare petitions for the court when we took a child away from their parents.  I can remember sitting in front of the computer with tears in my eyes, my stomach churning and feeling like I was going to throw up - as I typed the hideous details of what parents did to their children.  Right now my stomach is churning as I remember those poor, innocent children, damaged for the rest of their life.  There is no hell bad enough for child molesters, and one level lower are the parents who molest their own children. 

3.  I hate war, particularly ones that seem to be going nowhere and accomplishing nothing.  I realize that we fought for our freedom in the Revolutionary war.  I can understand that - and am always grateful.  I realize we had a civil war so there would be no more slaves.  I understand that and applaud!  Thanks to WWII, we are not all Nazis and we still have Jewish people on the earth.  Hitler was evil and it was right for the nations to bring him down.

But for the US in its arrogance to invade countries, and expect the culture of 4,000 years to disappear and for them to be like we are is absolutely ludicrous.  Those countries are not a country governed by a set of rules - they are governed by religion.  The religion is their law- it has never been separated like it is in the US.  For a culture that has been governed that way for 4,000 years, since Biblical times, they are not going to embrace a culture like the US.  That isn't going to happen.  So for me, that particular war is pointless, and my heart breaks for those families who lose loved ones that are fighting a war that we can't win.

Update 2018 - I thought when I originally wrote this that I would get some angry feedback.  I had none.  I still feel this way!

4.  I hate poverty.  It really hurts my soul when we send millions of dollars to other countries to help them, only to have the food or medicine or clothing or supplies grabbed by militants.  We have thousands upon thousands of children starving in the US every day.  I saw the statistics on poverty in the newspaper, and it estimated that 1 out of 4 children in the US goes hungry daily.  That is unforgiveable!  The first year I taught, I overheard two of my students talking about supper.  One student replied that the only thing in his house was a can of tomato soup.  Our district tries to find the chronically hungry kids and sends a backpack of non perishable food home with them on Friday, so they will have something to eat.  During college, one of our required reading was about the inner city schools in New York.  One new teacher was bewildered because at lunch, her students would stick chicken nuggets, etc. in their pockets.  Finally, she couldn't stand it anymore, and asked them why.  Their reply was simple - that is for food for Saturday and Sunday.  If we don't take them home, we have no food until Monday.  Sad for a nation that has billionaires and millionaires who think the ultimate goal is to get more money. 

So if hate is ever right, then hate the injustices that occur daily.  Hate the people who hurt their children.  Hate war - even if it is necessary.  Hate poverty that gets worse while the rich get richer.  Hate diseases that rob people of their life or make them struggle with that disease for the rest of their life.  Hate bigots who cannot accept people with another skin color.  Hate the fact that if you have lots of money, you can commit murder and not go to prison.

"Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it.  Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it.  Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it."

Martin Luther King, Jr.

Thank you for those wise words, Mr. King.