Did you take a test to become a parent?

Thoughts have been swirling around in my head for days, and they started swirling because I was with my son and family that I love over Thanksgiving.  The family I would not have if my husband had not been adopted by his parents, went to college, met and married me, and had our family.  Wow - lots of words for a quick point.  But it really set me thinking about the whole idea of being a parent.  I have seen a very different view of  parenting and children than a lot of people, because I have been in the trenches and seen what hideous things parents do to their children.  Some children survive and go on to have a full life.  Some never make it emotionally.  Some children grow up to continue that cycle of abuse to yet another generation.  Should they have not been born?  Wouldn't it have been better to have those children were given up for adoption?  Would they have been better off in a foster home?  Don't know that I have a real answer for those questions. 

My most favorite comic strip episode is of Hagar the Horrible and his wife standing by a stream.  They are watching salmon jumping up the falls, falling again, and jumping again, just to reach the waters where they will lay eggs and have a family.  Hagar turns to his wife and remarks, "Sometimes, I think that humans should have to go through something like that before they can become a parent."  I may have misquoted because it has been awhile since I saw the comic strip.  But - wow, does he have a point!

People study for years and take lots of tests to become doctors, nurses, lawyers, teachers, medical professionals, and a zillion other professions.  Yet - the most important job in the world can be had by anyone without a single test, a single educational class or any training whatsoever.  Kind of blows your mind, eh?  And I must say without flinching that some people should NEVER, EVER become parents.  We used to joke when I was an Assistant Juvenile officer that we should have a sign on our office door that said, "dump your unwanted children here."  I guess we joked to cover the daily pain of seeing abused children and knowing we were doing the right thing taking them from their abusive parents.  We joked because weekly we had parents who called us to say they wanted to dump their teenagers with us because they couldn't take care of them or make them mind.  So very very sad but true.  Parents who should never have had children, who refused to let anyone else have their children even tho they did unspeakable things to their children.  To them, their children were a possession, like a car or a game or a house.  No one, NO ONE, was going to take their property away from them.  Parents who at the first sign of trouble from their teenager, wanted out of parenthood, and wanted to dump the responsibility on someone else.  Heartbreaking - and yes, I know teenagers can try the patience of the best of parents!  But most of us don't give up and want to dump them at the first sign of trouble!

It all brings me back to my first statement - because his biological mother gave him up for adoption, my husband had a good life with his parents.  He was an only child, adopted when his parents were almost 50.  They were pretty old fashioned, didn't do a lot of "kid" things with him, but you knew without a doubt that the sun rose and set on their boy.  My husband finally did meet his biological mother, sisters and brother, and later his biological dad.  I absolutely get chills thinking what his life would have been like if he had not been rescued and given a loving home by his parents.  He is the lucky one of that bunch!  His half sister who is 5 years older was given up for adoption the day after hubby was.  She was a lucky one too!

That being said, I go back to the parents who have children they do not want, but will not give up.  I have never understood, nor will I ever understand, how a parent can hurt their own children - physically or sexually.  You are given a gift - a precious life that is given into your care.  How can parents turn that gift into a life of pain and emotional battering?  Would that child have been better off not being born?  Parenting doesn't have to be a life of riches and trips and THINGS.  Parenting comes from giving of yourself to your children.  Do parents make mistakes?  Heck yes - all of us do.   We do the best we can do - drawing on what we believe about being parents, what we learned from our own parents or grandparents, what we learned by seeing other families interact together and going from there.  And good parents try to fix their mistakes.  And good parents learn from their own parents mistakes and vow to do things differently as they raise their children.  You change that pattern - if you were abused, you vow not to abuse your own children.  If you were yelled at a lot, you vowed to not yell at your children or yell way less.  If your parents belittled you, you vow to make your children feel they can accomplish anything in this world.   If you were not given any choice about religion, dress, activities etc., then you vow that you will give your children choices that are appropriate.  If nothing you did was ever good enough for your parents, then you change that and tell your children daily how wonderful they are and how proud of them you are.

I have to say in closing, that parenting doesn't necessarily have to be biological.  Our son has a close friend who he grew up with.  His friend still sends us mother's day and father's day cards, and signs it, your other son.  Our daughter had close friends too that became our adopted kids.  I became the "mom" of the wintergard girls, traveling with them, listening to their troubles, helping them with their hair, and screaming with joy from the stands when they performed - just as if each one of them was my own child. 

My students slip sometimes and call me mom - and at first, it embarrassed them.  But I tell them that I AM their mom - their school mom.  If they misbehave, they are going to get in trouble, just like they would at home.  If they do something that is great, I am going to rejoice and praise them for it, just like their mom would.  I worry about them like their mom does, and I want every one of them to be the best they can be - just like their mom does.  After I explain that, they understand why they slip and our class begins to bond as a family - just like theirs at home.

So to my children of my body, I hope your dad and I did a good enough job parenting you.  Both of you are now grown up with families of your own, and are doing a good job of parenting my grandchildren.   I hope that a tiny bit of what your dad and I taught you has stayed with you and will be passed on to your children.  I love both of you with all my heart.